Arranged Marriages and Dowry - When Marriage becomes more about Money than Love

Daughters are referred to as “paraaya dhan” in Hindi, which translates to “someone else’s wealth”, because according to Indian culture, a girl’s parents are merely her temporary caretakers until she’s ready to be handed over to her “permanent” or “real” family - that of her in-laws. When an Indian woman is married, it’s implied that she ceases to become a member of her own family and joins her husband’s family. Traditionally, she will live in her husband’s home, with his parents, where she will cook, clean and take care of the elderly and children in the family for the rest of her life. 

If there is any monetary exchange between the families in such a situation, anyone with half a brain would assume that it would be from the groom’s family to the bride’s, for handing over the daughter they raised. But it baffles my mind that in the Indian society, it’s the other way around. In addition to a beautiful, smart, and educated woman, the groom’s family are also given an enormous amount of money, gold and even extravagant material gifts like houses and cars. Why does the bride’s family need to pay the groom’s family? Is a daughter such an unwanted burden that the bride’s parents have to offer financial rewards to another family to take her off their hands?!

Despite the fact that “dowry” is now considered a dirty word and has been illegal in India since the sixties, the exchange of cash and valuables from the bride’s family to the groom’s still continues, with new monikers like “gift”. Everyone loves free money, and many times, the in-laws pressure the girl’s family for more cash, even years after marriage, using tactics like threats of divorce, inflicting emotional and at times, physical abuse on the girl until their demands are met. It’s devastating that even in this day and age, we hear reports of dowry deaths.

In Indian culture, marriage is not between two people, but rather between two families. When I hear the older generation of Indians proudly laud this feature about arranged marriages, I cringe, because I think that this is the root cause of the dowry problem. 

Let’s take a look at the primary criteria for an arranged marriage in order of importance - religion, caste, girl’s looks, boy’s job, horoscopes matching and family status. Did you notice anything that is conspicuously missing in this list? Where is the most important criterion that needs to exist for a happy marriage - the compatibility between the couple or chemistry as we call it? Do they want the same things from life? Do they have any common interests? Do they enjoy spending time together? 

Sadly, the connection and compatibility of the two people involved in an arranged marriage is insignificant in the eyes of the elders who arrange the match. As long as they belong to the same religion and caste, the girl is pretty and the boy has a good job, then the marriage will be a success. “Love will happen once you start living together”, is a common phrase I hear Indian parents tell their children when they complain about a lack of connection with the prospective bride or groom. 

Basically, the concept of arranged marriage is to lock two complete strangers in a relationship and hope that they become best friends. In some cases, it works, but at other times, the results are disastrous. The low divorce rate in India in my opinion is not due to a lack of problems in arranged marriages, but it’s rather a testament of the intolerance the society has to divorce and divorcees. 

Until and unless the culture of arranged marriages which are like business transactions, change, and marriage becomes the union of individuals who love each other, instead of a financial agreement between the elders of two families, dowry or “gifts” as they are called these days will continue to be exchanged and dowry deaths will repeat. In Western countries where marriage happens when two people fall in love and decide to spend the rest of their lives together, there is no such transfer of funds between the bride’s and groom's families nor any expectation of it in the future. 

So parents, instead of having a traditional arranged marriage, set your kids up on a date. Let them go to a restaurant or a park, have a chance to talk and get to know each other a bit before they have to make the life altering decision of choosing this person as their spouse or not. And please, stop offering financial incentives to the groom’s family for marrying your daughter. Whatever inheritance you want to give your kids, whether sons or daughters, do so in your will, not at the time of their wedding. Your daughter is not a burden that needs to be unloaded. Treat her as “apna dhan”, your own family’s wealth.